Childbirth Classes

Yes, I know that this is two posts today, but I had thoughts.

Oh, the joy of childbirth classes.

You get to go to a classroom full of other pregnant women with their "coaches" and sit for several hours, listening to a lecture, and then....and THEN, you get to watch insanely painful looking videos. I have to admit, though, the "empathy belly" is quite entertaining. I told Jerry that he didnt' have to wear it. *I* wouldn't want to wear it. Did I mention that it's a prerequisite for taking these classes that you be sick with bronchitis, a cold, the flu, or some other nasty little bug, so you can cough all over everyone else?

Ok, for me the videos aren't so bad. I'm a CVT, I am used to things like spurting blood and puppies that have to be revived. No problem. Husband has a problem with the videos, and my "deal" for him to come to the classes with me was that he didn't actually have to *watch* the videos. The childbirth class people got smart. Instead of showing the videos all on one day like they *used* to, they do one a week. Apparently "video day" was a popular day to be sick from class. He also doesn't actually have to "watch" my labor. In fact, I'd prefer he just sit beside the bed, up by my head, and be quiet. However, he must be in the room. That is not negotiable. Whether or not he's concious is of no importance.

On with the story.

The first class was not so bad, basic information, what to bring to the hospital with you, instructions on where to go once you do go into labor (don't go to the emergency room - they don't like to deliver babies when there's a perfectly acceptable Labor and Delivery floor just up the elevator.) And a "normal birth" video. Other than the fact that the person narrating the video had an accent so heavy I wasn't sure if they were speaking English or Spanish, it was a pretty run-of-the-mill video. Much like you'd see on Discovery channel's "Baby Story"

Ok, so I got the giggles. Hormones, remember? They don't always just make you cry. But I was good. I didn't actually giggle out loud. Much to my surprise, when my giggling fit was over, I glanced around, and there wasn't a dry eye in the house, other than my husband and me. Even the MEN were weeping. I was absolutely astonished. Am I that much different than anyone else on the planet? Everyone was talking about how "beautiful" it was. I'm sorry, but there are some things that I don't particularly wish to see. *I* don't get to see that on me, and I'm grateful. Put up a drape, grab the kid, and let me have him when he's *dry*.

Yes, I do this often on kittens and puppies...the drying and resucitating, etc, and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. However, i've always been a little squeamish when it comes to human "germs." For instance, people who use their fork to shovel food into the gooey, wet, drooly mouth of their babies. Let me just say right now: Not going to happen. Ever. I refrained from eating the birthday cake at my dad's recent birthday party, because one of the candle blower-outers was my 2 year old nephew, Aaron. I believe there was more spit than frosting on the cake by the time all candles were out. There were 6 candles. My grandmother told me that I'd get over that very quickly, and that all that saliva "Just makes it sweeter." At which point, I nearly had to make a break for the toilet. I've always been this way, and I seriously don't see the person who won't even share a glass with someone ever voluntarily consuming her son's spittle.

Right...we're talking about Childbirth classes. The second video was information about the hospital. Easy. The third, however, was the cesarean section video. Again, been there, done that on dogs, and even a couple of cats. It's basically the same. What *wasn't* the same was the effect of seeing a nurse lay her whole upper torso on the "victim's" chest, and push that baby out the incision. It shot out of the woman much like squirting a fish out of your hands. I swear, the baby hit the end of the umbilical cord and bounced back before the doctor got it under control. Giggles weren't even close. I guffawed until husband finally whacked me on the leg and told me to go to the bathroom if I couldn't behave myself. Once again, not a dry eye in the house, but this time, it included me, laughing until tears streamed down my face.

On to breathing excercises! These, for anyone who has not had the pleasure, consist of a lot of "hee hee's " and "Hee Hoo's" Which you practice for an hour, until they get to the other breathing excercises, which are something that anyone with any athletic background (or yoga, or meditation) is taught as a matter of course. Oh, yes, and you practice counting to ten. I swear, if my husband tries to count with his hands in my face like they suggest in class, he will be kicked. He's been warned.

Two more classes left. Mostly dealing with safety, medical things, and infant CPR. Which is what I most wanted to learn. No more Hee Hee Hoo's and no more funny videos.

My recommendation to other first-time mothers? Buy a book. Watch Baby story. Ask your doctor where (s)he wants you to go/who she wants you to call when you go into labor.